Just once, it would be nice to know if my parents are proud of me, instead of only wondering.
Joey D. is claiming he is the last member in his circle of friends to update a Xanga. Either he has jumped the gun in his assertion, or I am not one of his friends. I hope it’s the former. Also, Xanga does #hashtags now? Weird.
(dumb rant about dumb girl).
Oh hey Xanga, it’s been quite a while.
Obviously I haven’t written in here for quite some time. Not really sure why, I guess it kind of just happened. And what’s ironic about it is that I think I actually have a lot to say. Not sure if I want to say it though and frankly, I’m not even sure of how to say it. Or for that matter, if anyone even wants to hear it. And by hear it, I mean read it. Duh. Anyway, where do I start, Xanga? I’m lost. Yeah, there’s where I can start. I’m lost. Wait, if I’m lost, how can I know where to start? Ugh. Epic headache. Well, hmm, this month it will be seven years since I created you, Xanga! You and I have been through a lot. And by a lot I mean you’ve listened and helped me through all of my petty grievances over the years. Aaaaannnd that is going to continue here, at least I hope anyhow. Sorry, one day I will listen to your problems, Xanga. Do you even have problems? —long pause— I didn’t think so. Anyway, I started this blog all those years ago primarily in an attempt to get the woman in which I loved, or thought I loved, to actually notice how much I loved her. It may have been the right thing to do, or it may have been the wrong thing to do. Either way, it was done. And as I sit here writing this, any semblance of a relationship (of any type) is also done (kinda fitting, huh?) Unless of course Facebook friends is considered a relationship? Which, technically, I think is a type of relationship. But for this rant’s sake, let’s consider it isn’t. Ok? Ok. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make, the one I made in my head earlier, is that seven years is a long, long time. And so much can change. So much has! Ms. Nameless (we’ll call her, as if we all don’t know who the hell I’m talking about) was my best friend. We did almost everything together and told each other almost everything (I think). We were constantly associated with one another for a period of time; a period that, in retrospect, seemed like forever but in reality was only a handful of months (on and off again, of course!) Lol anyway, fast forward seven years, and there is nothing there. Literally nothing. And from time to time (now being one of those times), it absolutely boggles my mind. Life absolutely boggles my mind. Granted there are other factors that I had no control over that contributed to the way things ended up. But there was a time when I had control, at least some I think, and I didn’t do anything about it. And therein lies what eats at me occasionally. I didn’t do shit. Evidently, I just expected things would always be the way they were, then. How naïve of me. Frankly, how fucking stupid of me. Fast forward four years from then, or rewind three from now (whichever you prefer), and I finally (FINALLY!) moved on from anything relating to Ms. Nameless. With the help of — shit, I need another stand-in name. Hmm, let’s say with the help of Matthew Perry, I was introduced to Ms. Nameless 1. Wow, that’s such a shitty name. All these names are absolutely shitty. Anyway, we eventually became very close and in effect, we became best friends and eventually we were a couple. Speed it up a bit, one thing led to another, blah blah, fight here, fight there, fight everywhere, all my fault (see, I’m learning!) blah, blah, blah. Basically, she’s an unforgiving bitch now and unfortunately, once again, any type of relationship is through. But the point is, what’s eating at me here once again, is the term “best friends” and the fact that in both situations, I didn’t do shit to keep my best friends when things got tough. And it hurts. I saw a movie yesterday and I actually really liked it. I enjoyed it the entire play through but at the end and what seems like almost every minute since then, my mind has been occupied by this garbage. The movie was “Friends with Benefits” with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t apply my situation to certain scenes from the movie. But, I guess, at the same time, who doesn’t? Everyone wants to live out their life in the same vein as a romantic comedy and to live happy forever. Shit, deep down, I know I do even though I emphatically state otherwise. And that’s why it hit me. When things got rough towards the end of the movie and the friendship hit the rocks, homeboy Timberlake did something about it. Granted, it’s a movie but you get where I’m going. When things got rough in both of my situations, I didn’t do shit. I sat on it and just assumed it was going to always be there. What a shitty reality check. And essentially, that’s why I sit here alone now. That’s why I sit here longing for the assurance of female friendship. Lol that sounds weird. But in all honesty, I wish I could just have that one female friend where I can just pick up the phone right now (it’s 3:30 am by the way) and just talk bullshit because I want to and because she wants to hear what I have to say (DISCLAIMER: When I say she, I’m not at all referring to any of the Ms. Nameless’ here, it’s a hypothetical she). But regardless, I want to be super important to some girl and I want that same girl to be super important to me. I want the same girl to not give up on me or our friendship when things get rough, or if I do something(s) stupid, to forgive me for it. When it comes down to it, I guess I just want to feel like I’m someone who isn’t worth giving up on. Blaaaaah. Maybe (hopefully) it’s just a day or two phase and it will pass but unfortunately, it’s how I feel after watching that stinkin’ movie! Oh yeah, there is a scene in the movie where they are both in the bedroom (just talking, sickos) and the interaction and dialogue seemed about as real and as good as any interaction and dialogue in any movie I’ve seen, ever. It could’ve just been the chemistry between the two on-screen, the writing, or shit, even the Yuenglings I put back, but the point is, that’s what I want. Lol who is going to go watch that movie now? And an added bonus, dude raps Kriss Kross and we all know I love the WIGGIDY WIGGIDY WIGGIDY WHACK!
By the way, I forgot how hard it is to interpret what’s going on in your head and put it in to words on paper, err, a Macbook.
Oh hey Xanga, thanks for listening again.
I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. Since I’ve graduated, I feel like I’ve lost the respect of others and I think I’m starting to lose respect for myself. Why on Earth am I still working at Target? All arrogance aside, I’m better than that place. I’m better than living life paycheck to paycheck. I’m better than getting bossed around by asshole “Team Leads” with zero academic credentials. I’m better than 3-4 hours of sleep a night and I’m better than bags under my eyes.
Ya know what else I’m better than? Sitting on my ass and waiting to have something handed to me. Gotta get this ball rolling, and rolling soon.
Crazy these last few days. Actually, crazy can’t even describe it. Actually, indescribable obviously would make more sense. I’m beginning to learn a lot about people as the days go on, especially lately. It’s a bit humorous, nah, check that, it’s pretty unbelievable to actually witness how petty and immature some people really are—And yeah, that’s me of all people calling other people immature, go figure—but as I sit here, worried about real shit in life, shit that very well may involve the well being of some of my family, all I can do is shake my head in utter disgust, and I mean that. And I’m not just putting this out there because it’s easy to right now, but it’s just reality. A young woman has just died and many people are still grieving, and that’s not even including two young children. Knowing everything I do up to this point about the situation, whether it’s fact or fiction, it could potentially affect my family, my immediate family. Obviously, I hope what I hear isn’t true, I really hope it’s just gossip and rumors, but if it is, it’s devastating to members of my family. With everything going on the last few days with my family, I also apparently have to deal with some 12-year old bullshit on facebook. Like seriously? No, really, fucking seriously?? To be mocked the way I was over a situation that isn’t even my doing is insulting and completely unnecessary. On top of that I can’t even respond or say my side on the god damn post either?? Like honestly, how little of a grasp do people have on what’s going on around them? Is there an ounce of sense in their heads? A smidgen of sympathy or understanding? My head is pounding the last 48 hours wondering what the outcome of a much more important situation is going to be and I gotta worry about people acting like school children? People who I thought were my friends? Well, until I got defriended a few days ago that is (another very adult-like move by the way). But I guess it’s a good thing, I see things from the outside now and I can really understand where a lot of people are coming from. Real friends would be there at ALL times ready and willing to talk and/or listen. I think I’m starting to get a better idea of who they really are..
Who knows, maybe in a few days I will regret writing this, maybe its taking a route that’s equally as childish as other people. But I guess right now I feel like it serves a purpose. People need to see things in the proper perspective and it’s unfortunate that it’s at the expense of a very unfortunate situation but again, it’s reality. Drop the petty dramatics and for once, act like a mature adult and not just fucking say it.
If you can’t show me the way Faulk, man, then forgive me for being lost.
Alone.. And I think I’m destined to stay that way…
Man, I never thought this would happen. I can’t put into words how I feel right now. Honestly, from a sports standpoint, I feel as good as I did on October 31, 2008 .
When I wrote this , I was both angry and sad with how Iverson’s career in Philly ended. By the time I wrote this blog, I was content with A.I.’s situation in Denver and the up-and-coming home team Sixers. Well that didn’t last long. After Eddie Stefanski blew 3 first round picks in one year and inked Elton Brand and Iggy to astronomical contracts (yay), I realized they weren’t so up-and-coming after-all. With A.I.’s career tailspinning out of control and the Sixers franchise spinning out of control, the stars aligned for a reunion of epic and emotional proportions, one that nobody saw coming (except for Sammy D.). Haha, regardless, it is a HUGE day for me and an entire generation of 76ers fans. It’s a day that can’t just be culminated in a newspaper headline but rather on a 94′ x 50′ hardwood floor in Philadelphia on December 7, 2009.
I can’t wait…
At 5:26 pm EDT, the entire world stopped.
The news of Michael Jackson’s death is surreal not only to the Jackson family I’m sure, but to every person who ever heard his distinctively high tenor voice or witnessed his revolutionary dance moves. To every person who went to a music store to pick up his records. For that matter, to every person who considers themself a fan of music and/or the entertainment industry. For me personally, I feel indescribable. Really, I do. I don’t know how to explain it and I feel weird for feeling like this because I’ve obviously never even met Michael Jackson. I feel an emptiness, I feel a bit nauseous and I can’t stop tearing. Is it pathetic? Maybe. But let me try to figure out why I feel the way I do.
My earliest memory of music involves Michael Jackson. I remember being a kid and constantly popping in my Dad’s pre-recorded VHS of the full Thriller video. I remember my Dad owned a lot of Michael Jackson videos on VHS and I remember them all being in these all black video cases with no labels. But anyway, I recall being completely intrigued by the video. Sure, it was probably because he turned into a Werewolf that had a lot to do with it but whenever that scene came on, I literally hid behind the sofa. If I was so damn scared of the video, which I recall being, why would I constantly play it? Simple, because I was infatuated with the music that accompanied it. Not to mention the scene where he gets a bunch of zombies to dance with him. I mean, if you can get a bunch of zombies that clearly only want to eat you to dance with you instead, you have some kind of presence.
But more seriously, I also remember my Dad taping one of the shows from the Dangerous tour on HBO and I remember watching that one all the time too. By that time I was around 7 or 8 and I understood how influential and popular the man was. The intro for that particular concert (which I think was shot in an Asian country), involved an entire army leading him to the stage, a crap load of cars and trucks, and screaming, sweaty fans. Fans, I might add, that would pass out in the middle of the concerts and have to be taken away. Oh yeah, I didn’t even mention the 50 foot tall replica statue of Michael that was part of the show. The scope of the concert, along with the carnivals and zoos in his backyard, his constant pledging of making the world a better place, and his obvious lightening of his skin only seemed to add to the mystique of the man. He was clearly different than everyone else, even people in the music industry, but everyone seemed to love him and his music, so to me, that’s all that I knew. I knew what I saw. Like I said, I was only 7 or 8 years old so what else was I supposed to think? He seemed like a mythical figure brought here to make millions upon millions of people smile while we also would watch in awe.
My final early memory involves the Black or White video. I remember that I had a bedtime set for 8:30 on school nights but on one night, Michael Jackson was going to debut his new music video at 9:00 and so I got to stay up later than normal. So big was the Black or White video that it debuted on all the basic channels (abc, nbc, cbs etc. along with I think cnn and mtv). It was huge. And it was an awesome song too. Of course, Michael Jackson couldn’t seem to do anything without garnering some sort of criticism. The end of the video involved a scene where he destroyed a car and grabbed himself and so it was edited out of the TV version of the video. Oh well. Again, situations like that only seemed to add to his significance. Amazing.
Anyway, I guess what it comes down to after looking back is that I’m upset because my Dad was involved in introducing me to Michael Jackson. Granted, I would have heard about him regardless of whether my Dad liked him or not but it makes it more personal. Hey maybe my Dad can meet him now?
I think what also bothers me is how some people unfortunately choose to remember Michael Jackson. Clearly not everyone is a fan of Michael Jackson, that’s fine, but to hear and read some of the things I have makes me quite upset. Some may think I’m naïve but I truly feel Michael Jackson was as good of a person he says he was. The man clearly had a goal of making the world a better place and bringing happiness to everyone, especially children. And before everyone thinks I’m cracking a joke, I’m being serious. It’s no secret that even though Michael Jackson was a celebrity at a young age, he had a crappy childhood that clearly affected him throughout his life. I think the last thing he wanted was to have kids grow up the way he did and so he went out of his way to make many children’s lives better. Unfortunately, the majority of people didn’t seem to view things that way. Crap, the last thing I wanted to do was make this sound like I’m defending Michael Jackson. I’m not. I don’t condone anything he did that lead to his legal troubles but I do think that because he was acquitted of all charges in both trials, we should look past the B.S. and remember him for what he wants us to remember him for, trying to make the world a better place.
This world has enough hate in it already. Why shun someone away who only wanted to bring love to every person of every country in the world. Personally, I think it’s heartbreaking to hear that a man who seemed to care so much about everyone else in the world, lived such a lonely, secluded life due to the seemingly never-ending ridicule from ignorant, hateful people. I mean seriously, have we as a people really reached the point where we choose to condemn based on accusations rather than praise based on accomplishment? Please!
In conclusion I guess, music and dance are two of the very few things that can bring people from all walks of life together. Michael Jackson dedicated his career to solving the problems of hate in this world, not only through his music and dance, but through his charitable work as well. Can’t we at least give him the respect of believing his intentions were always honorable?
Oh well, I’m tired and delirious and not even sure if what I wrote makes sense, I hate when that happens. But anyway, I hope I got my point across. I miss you Michael Jackson. Your legacy will live on forever, at least for me.
For my generation, I think we can all agree that today was the day the music really died.
Rest in Piece King of Pop