Just once, it would be nice to know if my parents are proud of me, instead of only wondering.
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Oh hey Xanga, it’s been quite a while.
Obviously I haven’t written in here for quite some time. Not really sure why, I guess it kind of just happened. And what’s ironic about it is that I think I actually have a lot to say. Not sure if I want to say it though and frankly, I’m not even sure of how to say it. Or for that matter, if anyone even wants to hear it. And by hear it, I mean read it. Duh. Anyway, where do I start, Xanga? I’m lost. Yeah, there’s where I can start. I’m lost. Wait, if I’m lost, how can I know where to start? Ugh. Epic headache. Well, hmm, this month it will be seven years since I created you, Xanga! You and I have been through a lot. And by a lot I mean you’ve listened and helped me through all of my petty grievances over the years. Aaaaannnd that is going to continue here, at least I hope anyhow. Sorry, one day I will listen to your problems, Xanga. Do you even have problems? —long pause— I didn’t think so. Anyway, I started this blog all those years ago primarily in an attempt to get the woman in which I loved, or thought I loved, to actually notice how much I loved her. It may have been the right thing to do, or it may have been the wrong thing to do. Either way, it was done. And as I sit here writing this, any semblance of a relationship (of any type) is also done (kinda fitting, huh?) Unless of course Facebook friends is considered a relationship? Which, technically, I think is a type of relationship. But for this rant’s sake, let’s consider it isn’t. Ok? Ok. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make, the one I made in my head earlier, is that seven years is a long, long time. And so much can change. So much has! Ms. Nameless (we’ll call her, as if we all don’t know who the hell I’m talking about) was my best friend. We did almost everything together and told each other almost everything (I think). We were constantly associated with one another for a period of time; a period that, in retrospect, seemed like forever but in reality was only a handful of months (on and off again, of course!) Lol anyway, fast forward seven years, and there is nothing there. Literally nothing. And from time to time (now being one of those times), it absolutely boggles my mind. Life absolutely boggles my mind. Granted there are other factors that I had no control over that contributed to the way things ended up. But there was a time when I had control, at least some I think, and I didn’t do anything about it. And therein lies what eats at me occasionally. I didn’t do shit. Evidently, I just expected things would always be the way they were, then. How naïve of me. Frankly, how fucking stupid of me. Fast forward four years from then, or rewind three from now (whichever you prefer), and I finally (FINALLY!) moved on from anything relating to Ms. Nameless. With the help of — shit, I need another stand-in name. Hmm, let’s say with the help of Matthew Perry, I was introduced to Ms. Nameless 1. Wow, that’s such a shitty name. All these names are absolutely shitty. Anyway, we eventually became very close and in effect, we became best friends and eventually we were a couple. Speed it up a bit, one thing led to another, blah blah, fight here, fight there, fight everywhere, all my fault (see, I’m learning!) blah, blah, blah. Basically, she’s an unforgiving bitch now and unfortunately, once again, any type of relationship is through. But the point is, what’s eating at me here once again, is the term “best friends” and the fact that in both situations, I didn’t do shit to keep my best friends when things got tough. And it hurts. I saw a movie yesterday and I actually really liked it. I enjoyed it the entire play through but at the end and what seems like almost every minute since then, my mind has been occupied by this garbage. The movie was “Friends with Benefits” with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t apply my situation to certain scenes from the movie. But, I guess, at the same time, who doesn’t? Everyone wants to live out their life in the same vein as a romantic comedy and to live happy forever. Shit, deep down, I know I do even though I emphatically state otherwise. And that’s why it hit me. When things got rough towards the end of the movie and the friendship hit the rocks, homeboy Timberlake did something about it. Granted, it’s a movie but you get where I’m going. When things got rough in both of my situations, I didn’t do shit. I sat on it and just assumed it was going to always be there. What a shitty reality check. And essentially, that’s why I sit here alone now. That’s why I sit here longing for the assurance of female friendship. Lol that sounds weird. But in all honesty, I wish I could just have that one female friend where I can just pick up the phone right now (it’s 3:30 am by the way) and just talk bullshit because I want to and because she wants to hear what I have to say (DISCLAIMER: When I say she, I’m not at all referring to any of the Ms. Nameless’ here, it’s a hypothetical she). But regardless, I want to be super important to some girl and I want that same girl to be super important to me. I want the same girl to not give up on me or our friendship when things get rough, or if I do something(s) stupid, to forgive me for it. When it comes down to it, I guess I just want to feel like I’m someone who isn’t worth giving up on. Blaaaaah. Maybe (hopefully) it’s just a day or two phase and it will pass but unfortunately, it’s how I feel after watching that stinkin’ movie! Oh yeah, there is a scene in the movie where they are both in the bedroom (just talking, sickos) and the interaction and dialogue seemed about as real and as good as any interaction and dialogue in any movie I’ve seen, ever. It could’ve just been the chemistry between the two on-screen, the writing, or shit, even the Yuenglings I put back, but the point is, that’s what I want. Lol who is going to go watch that movie now? And an added bonus, dude raps Kriss Kross and we all know I love the WIGGIDY WIGGIDY WIGGIDY WHACK!
By the way, I forgot how hard it is to interpret what’s going on in your head and put it in to words on paper, err, a Macbook.
Oh hey Xanga, thanks for listening again.
I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. Since I’ve graduated, I feel like I’ve lost the respect of others and I think I’m starting to lose respect for myself. Why on Earth am I still working at Target? All arrogance aside, I’m better than that place. I’m better than living life paycheck to paycheck. I’m better than getting bossed around by asshole “Team Leads” with zero academic credentials. I’m better than 3-4 hours of sleep a night and I’m better than bags under my eyes.
Ya know what else I’m better than? Sitting on my ass and waiting to have something handed to me. Gotta get this ball rolling, and rolling soon.
Crazy these last few days. Actually, crazy can’t even describe it. Actually, indescribable obviously would make more sense. I’m beginning to learn a lot about people as the days go on, especially lately. It’s a bit humorous, nah, check that, it’s pretty unbelievable to actually witness how petty and immature some people really are—And yeah, that’s me of all people calling other people immature, go figure—but as I sit here, worried about real shit in life, shit that very well may involve the well being of some of my family, all I can do is shake my head in utter disgust, and I mean that. And I’m not just putting this out there because it’s easy to right now, but it’s just reality. A young woman has just died and many people are still grieving, and that’s not even including two young children. Knowing everything I do up to this point about the situation, whether it’s fact or fiction, it could potentially affect my family, my immediate family. Obviously, I hope what I hear isn’t true, I really hope it’s just gossip and rumors, but if it is, it’s devastating to members of my family. With everything going on the last few days with my family, I also apparently have to deal with some 12-year old bullshit on facebook. Like seriously? No, really, fucking seriously?? To be mocked the way I was over a situation that isn’t even my doing is insulting and completely unnecessary. On top of that I can’t even respond or say my side on the god damn post either?? Like honestly, how little of a grasp do people have on what’s going on around them? Is there an ounce of sense in their heads? A smidgen of sympathy or understanding? My head is pounding the last 48 hours wondering what the outcome of a much more important situation is going to be and I gotta worry about people acting like school children? People who I thought were my friends? Well, until I got defriended a few days ago that is (another very adult-like move by the way). But I guess it’s a good thing, I see things from the outside now and I can really understand where a lot of people are coming from. Real friends would be there at ALL times ready and willing to talk and/or listen. I think I’m starting to get a better idea of who they really are..
Who knows, maybe in a few days I will regret writing this, maybe its taking a route that’s equally as childish as other people. But I guess right now I feel like it serves a purpose. People need to see things in the proper perspective and it’s unfortunate that it’s at the expense of a very unfortunate situation but again, it’s reality. Drop the petty dramatics and for once, act like a mature adult and not just fucking say it.