Where the hell do I begin? I mean, I know I have a lot to say, but I just don’t know how to express my feelings to a computer anymore. Even though the majority of the time, the computer seems to be the only one to listen. If it sounds like it though, its true, I think I am depressed. Not just a little depressed, a lot depressed. Where does it come from you ask? I don’t know. Can I control it? It doesn’t look like it. Every time something good happens and life seems to take a step forward, it takes about a 27 and a half foot leap back. I can’t take it anymore. There was a time when I didn’t let the little, seemingly insignificant things in life bother me but now, everything that is done or said to me is taken personally. And the worst part about it all, I really want to feel accountable for my miserable moods of late, even though in reality, I don’t. The reason for this is beyond me. Maybe because like I said, and like my aunt says, there was a time where I was a genuinely happy kid. Nothing really seemed to bother me. As cliche’ as it sounds, I really did look at the glass half full. Now, shit, the glass is fucking empty. Now that things are getting to me as easily as they are, I feel as though that there must be some real problems going on. I mean, If I didn’t let things get to me before, I guess that the problems in my life weren’t that significant. Now that things are getting to me, anyone with the slightest ounce of common sense would assume that my problems are more serious than ever, right? I don’t know how I can sit here and say that now because, as everyone knows, my parents are deceased. I don’t think it can get any worse than that for a kid, honestly. Which is why I am so confused. If all that shit happened in my past and I was deemed a happy-go-lucky kid, how come now, a good eight years after my dad died, I feel so lost, sad, and confused? Now don’t get me wrong, I was devastated when my dad died but I was always able to hide it from people, which at the time, I thought was a good thing. That is how I dealt with my problems though, with myself. I always thought that other people didn’t want to be bogged down with my problems and that the only person that could understand you is, well, you. The understanding yourself the most part may be true but the people not wanting to help me with my problems apparently wasn’t the case. Atleast that is what I have come to realize now. Ugh, I don’t even know what I mean. I guess what I mean is that I am afraid. Afraid that this is only the beginning and that it will get worse. Afraid that the person I once was is never coming back. Afraid that I will always look to the negative instead of the positive in life. Afraid that I am tarnishing my relationships with my friends and my family. I mean, am I really destined to live a sorry, miserable life? I really hope not because that would really suck. I know it’s easy for someone to sit here and say “hey, you only have one life to live so make the most of it,” or “make each day count for something” but actually doing it, especially when it is a real problem, is another story. I guess it could be a start though. Just like everyone else though, I want to be happy and I want to be normal and I want to look at all the positive and I want people to want to be around me but I know it isn’t gonna happen if I don’t do something about it soon. So I guess I am saying I need help. Ok, before everyone gets all weirded, I am not saying they need to throw me into a psych-ward or something, hopefully I don’t even need professional help but maybe something as small as having someone to open up to. Or maybe even writing in this on a daily basis because honestly, I feel a little better after writing some things down. Well, with all that said, I want everyone who reads this and everyone that is around me on a daily basis to know that my intentions aren’t to bring anyone down, gain sympathy, or to make you feel miserable just because I do, but rather to let you know that I am working on it. I don’t want people to feel as though they can’t call me to hang out for fear of me being miserable because I know nobody likes to be with a miserable person, and for good reason. Also, more importantly, if you have a problem, don’t handle it like me. Don’t bottle it up for later, it will overflow and when it does, it won’t be pretty. Talk to someone about it as soon as possible. Odds are it will make you both feel better and who knows, the problem just might work itself out. I know, I definately need to work on that. And maybe, just maybe, it is the answer to my miserableness <—If it wasn’t a word, it is now. And I would say sorry for the depressing entry but, I’m not sorry because like I said, I feel a little bit better. Well, I didn’t get everything I wanted to get out on here primarly because I am out of time, and there is enough negativity for one day as it is. On that note, ’til next time peoples……..