Where the hell do I begin? I mean, I know I have a lot to say, but I just don’t know how to express my feelings to a computer anymore. Even though the majority of the time, the computer seems to be the only one to listen. If it sounds like it though, its true, I think I am depressed. Not just a little depressed, a lot depressed. Where does it come from you ask? I don’t know. Can I control it? It doesn’t look like it. Every time something good happens and life seems to take a step forward, it takes about a 27 and a half foot leap back. I can’t take it anymore. There was a time when I didn’t let the little, seemingly insignificant things in life bother me but now, everything that is done or said to me is taken personally. And the worst part about it all, I really want to feel accountable for my miserable moods of late, even though in reality, I don’t. The reason for this is beyond me. Maybe because like I said, and like my aunt says, there was a time where I was a genuinely happy kid. Nothing really seemed to bother me. As cliche’ as it sounds, I really did look at the glass half full. Now, shit, the glass is fucking empty. Now that things are getting to me as easily as they are, I feel as though that there must be some real problems going on. I mean, If I didn’t let things get to me before, I guess that the problems in my life weren’t that significant. Now that things are getting to me, anyone with the slightest ounce of common sense would assume that my problems are more serious than ever, right? I don’t know how I can sit here and say that now because, as everyone knows, my parents are deceased. I don’t think it can get any worse than that for a kid, honestly. Which is why I am so confused. If all that shit happened in my past and I was deemed a happy-go-lucky kid, how come now, a good eight years after my dad died, I feel so lost, sad, and confused? Now don’t get me wrong, I was devastated when my dad died but I was always able to hide it from people, which at the time, I thought was a good thing. That is how I dealt with my problems though, with myself. I always thought that other people didn’t want to be bogged down with my problems and that the only person that could understand you is, well, you. The understanding yourself the most part may be true but the people not wanting to help me with my problems apparently wasn’t the case. Atleast that is what I have come to realize now. Ugh, I don’t even know what I mean. I guess what I mean is that I am afraid. Afraid that this is only the beginning and that it will get worse. Afraid that the person I once was is never coming back. Afraid that I will always look to the negative instead of the positive in life. Afraid that I am tarnishing my relationships with my friends and my family. I mean, am I really destined to live a sorry, miserable life? I really hope not because that would really suck. I know it’s easy for someone to sit here and say “hey, you only have one life to live so make the most of it,” or “make each day count for something” but actually doing it, especially when it is a real problem, is another story. I guess it could be a start though. Just like everyone else though, I want to be happy and I want to be normal and I want to look at all the positive and I want people to want to be around me but I know it isn’t gonna happen if I don’t do something about it soon. So I guess I am saying I need help. Ok, before everyone gets all weirded, I am not saying they need to throw me into a psych-ward or something, hopefully I don’t even need professional help but maybe something as small as having someone to open up to. Or maybe even writing in this on a daily basis because honestly, I feel a little better after writing some things down. Well, with all that said, I want everyone who reads this and everyone that is around me on a daily basis to know that my intentions aren’t to bring anyone down, gain sympathy, or to make you feel miserable just because I do, but rather to let you know that I am working on it. I don’t want people to feel as though they can’t call me to hang out for fear of me being miserable because I know nobody likes to be with a miserable person, and for good reason. Also, more importantly, if you have a problem, don’t handle it like me. Don’t bottle it up for later, it will overflow and when it does, it won’t be pretty. Talk to someone about it as soon as possible. Odds are it will make you both feel better and who knows, the problem just might work itself out. I know, I definately need to work on that. And maybe, just maybe, it is the answer to my miserableness <—If it wasn’t a word, it is now. And I would say sorry for the depressing entry but, I’m not sorry because like I said, I feel a little bit better. Well, I didn’t get everything I wanted to get out on here primarly because I am out of time, and there is enough negativity for one day as it is. On that note, ’til next time peoples……..


11 thoughts on “

  1. Hey Andrew…I just want you to know that every time someone I know passes my room, they wonder why the name on my door is now “Andy P” and not Ann Marie. lol 🙂
    Anyway, all weirdness aside since I havn’t been serious with you since that night in Shaun’s kitchen (remember that? That was pretty random)…I just want to say a few things:
    I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel because I’ve always been fortunate not to have huge crises or devastating events in my life…but even though I’m “lucky,” I’ve always struggled with being happy and I was always the one that brought everyone else down and was dubbed as “miserable.” I guess, for me, it is even worse because I really have/had no good reason to be this way. The root of it, I think though, is that I would let all these little things get to me but I would never deal with them or get them straightened out so it would all just bottle up and every time a happy thought would enter my mind, it would be clouded and overshadowed by the mental list of things to be hurt, mad, & upset about and my miserable mood would prevail. And, I can’t say that I’ve exactly changed my ways because I honestly don’t know how besides trying to force myself to talk about things when I’m angry or sad or upset.
    I know that it’s super cliché to say “just talk about it with someone!” but it’s true…yet…I think the key is finding the right person to talk to. I know from personal experience that the absolute worst thing and the thing I hated to hear most was “live every day like it’s your last!” and “just be happy, life’s too short!” Because, obviously, if I could be happy, I would. Who would conciously choose to be unhappy, right? So what I saying is, you need to find someone to talk to who will understand you, not make you feel bad about the way you feel, but at the same time, not indulge you in your depression. Sometimes it’s good to just get it all out and not feel bad about how stupid or insignificant it might seem. For some reason these days, it seems like a crime to be upset or sad…almost to the point where we feel like we have to hide it so we don’t get the “just be happy!” lecture. But, as I think we all know, these feelings are inherently human. Feeling bad about feeling bad is useless.
    I think this entry is really powerful, honestly. I’m not sure how much merit that one can give to online blogs, but seriously, I think that you really hit on alot of important and meaningful stuff here. It’s obvious that you’re thinking about these things on a deep level, and the fact that you’ve recognized and analyzed all this is a step in the right direction. Keep your head up, Andrew. Even if you’re sad and confused, still remember that you are loved and valued by your friends and family in ways that you probably don’t recognize.
    Good luck with all this, it seems like this entry was a great starting point. Very insightful…and if you’re ever up for a repeat of our kitchen conversation, you know where to find me.

  2. First off i love u man, and i am here for u (some more cliches for ya), but i think i kinda know how u feel remember i was going through this kinda same thing last year, its hard to get out of the only way i did was being with u and faulk, and talking certain things out with my mommy. So i think ann marie is right, find someone to talk to u, so again i’m here for u buddy. i’m just about 3 feet away.

  3. andrew, i really cried when i read this…a lot, because when you are upset, i am too. nothing will change the fact that i’m always here. i’m gonna do something to make you feel better…and it will! expect something in the mail in a few days! 🙂

  4. everything aside, i obviously dont have to tell u how to feel, or tell u that i can make things better, but id like to restate the fact that u should know u can talk to me about anything, in fact i rather enjoy it when someones comes to me with anything and one other thing is the fact that ive been more recently hanging out with the “depressed” andrew, and he still had the ability to amaze me and make me laugh til i was honestly in pain. i just cant wait til u figure this all out and let the real u out for alittle while…ok later buddy, u know i love you…and remember hogan knows best…

  5. aww lauren.. ur such a good sister.. :).. Andrew. i dont even know where to begin. and i dont know about anyone else. but ive felt like this a lot before, and i dont really know how u get over it, whether it be to totally ignore it and hope for it to go away, which i think is what i did, or to actually talk to someone about it, which i think is a better solution and i think thats what u need, someone to talk to, and weve had some prettty decent talks before and it seemed like u opened up a little on the way home from pennstate, sooo.. if you really wanna talk, seriously andrew call me up and we can go for a drive and u can let it all out. lol or if ur up at school, just call me and we can talk. thats what friends are for.. and im here for you ..and i agree with annmarie. i think this was a good starting point.. and from here it can only get better.. and now that im thinking about it, i know ive been telling you to be happy and cracking jokes about u being miserable, so .. sorry for that. i guess i was just trying to make you laugh, cause when im in a shitty mood, thats what i always look for, someone to make me laugh. but yeah sorry for all that. and  i totally agree with faulk.. like even though youve felt like this lately, hanging out with you is still the same, you still make people laugh, and ur still  the life of the party, i know we all still love being around you, miserable or not, ur still andrew  :), k ur probably reading this like.. chelles dumb. but hey. ur my buddy n i care. soooo.. even if im not the person to talk to. i hope you’ll talk it out soon, just so u can feel better inside, well u know the # and im here , hope to see you soon! love ya buddy! hang in there..

  6. Hey man….just letting you know I kinda know what your saying…..sometimes i have the problem of letting my feelings bottle up inside of me and it only causes more problems in the end…but just wanted you to know if you ever need to talk im here for you…love ya man..

  7. wow um def cried after and during the reading of that entry…its weird that lately ive been feeling the exact same way…lettin things get bottled up but its like sometimes u dont even know how to say what u wanna say or u dont even know what u wanna say cuz its inexplainable <— if it wasnt a word it is now lol or theres just too much that u dont know where to start…but im jumping on the bandwagon and im serious when i say this please call me anytime u wil make my day…i cant wait to see u …miserable or not ur still my drew poo 🙂 i miss u much bud love ya!

  8. Dude seriously I think I was in your exact same position a little while back, and I might still be in it, I don’t know honestly. There’s a quote from The Sopranos, well Tony stole it from this other guy but he says, “I feel like the sad clown, laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.” That’s exactly how I felt, I think that’s how you feel. I mean we are always that guys who make people laugh, we aren’t aloud to be sad, or that’s what we think. When people have a bad day they count on us to make them laugh, and if we are in a bad/sad mood we feel as if we can’t do that. So we hide our emotions and always show our happy sides, no matter how much we are fucked up inside. In some sense we become a rock for people, no matter how much they are sad, we remain the constant happy ones cracking jokes, so we live up that reputation and when something does happen to us people don’t know how to act. Even though I feel like I’ve been through this, while you were saying how miserable and depressed you were I didn’t take you that seriously because I thought as other people did, it wasn’t serious, you’d get over it once the 6ers, Eagles, and Flyers started winning. I hate myself for that, because I should have known it was more, when I think I’ve been there. Honestly man I can not tell you how to escape it, I don’t think I ever really did, but I’ve hidden it again by being with people. When I am around people and joking and messing around I forget it all, its when I’m alone that I start to feel like the sad clown again. I definetley think talking it out with people helps as long as they do not judge and let you talk but, it has to start with you. You, yourself has to think about what the problem is and then relate it to someone else and the solution will appear, and you must work for it. Blindly talking to any of the above people will only get you more lost, you must look within and find the problem, it won’t be clear but get a good sense of what you think it is, the conversations with people will flow alot eaiser man. You have a great support system around you man, so use it, find the person you are most comfortable with and let it out, let it all out. Once you can do that, start thinking optomistically again, your attitude and outlook on life play heavily into your moods. You know how shitty this feels, noone ever wants to feel like this, so make the changes and be proactive in life so you never return to this state. And if you feel angry dude, just call me up and I’ll come over with a roll of paper towels, I had to at least make one joke. Just take this as a another lesson in life and learn from it while never forgetting there are people out there who love you and will help you sail this stormy sea.

  9. Andrew, I know mostly all we do is joke around, and we never seriously talk, but I’ll listen to you whenever you want. You one of the truly most genuine, sweetest, and kindest person I know. You’re so strong, and you continue to amaze people with your attitude. You’re amazing, even if you are a democrat, haha. You guys made me cry with the entry. I hope you know that there are people in the world that would do anything to make you happy, and I wouldn’t mind being one of those people because you truly deserve happiness. I hope everything gets better before you, and keep smiling because you keep the rest of us smiling.

  10. In the end it will all work out. You just need to let people in and open up once in a while, there is no harm in that at all. And I also think you need to focus on doing things that make you happy and surrounding yourself with people you enjoy hanging out with, people that you alway have fun with. You have a ton of friends who would do anything to help you out and your family is awesome, I know that they will always be there for you. Talking about your problems to people is never a burden…i think who ever you chose to talk to and let in will feel honored. So don’t let that be a reason for not opening up to someone. I also understand that it is often difficult to pin point whats bothering you, or to put your feelings into words, and thats just something you are going to need to work on. You got this Andrew, if when you want some help there is tons to choose from. ❤ ya K

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